• BREAKING: SAN FRANCISCO TO BAN EVERYTHING

San Francisco, CA -- The City of San Francisco City Council has announced its intention today to ban everything. Councilmember and Vice Mayor Kevin Mullin proposed the ban, saying that everything has been allowed for too long, and "it's time to start over and not allow any of anything."

Mayor Gavin Newsome has voiced reluctant support for the idea. "I feel that everything is a pretty big step, but it's better than doing nothing. Someone needs to start the era of prevention."

By banning everything, the City hopes to put an end to frustrating and endless problems. Mr. Mullin claims that banning everything could lead to the end of pollution, emphysema, infant mortality and hang nails. "Our hope is to end these things through banning things that lead to stuff happening."

One thing not included in banning everything is taxes. "Oh no, we'll need more taxes to enforce the ban on everything," said Councilmember Pedro Gonzales, a big supporter of the overall ban on everything.

"This ban is going to require a lot of enforcement. For instance, law enforcement will be required to keep an eye on everything now, because everything is banned," Gonzales said. "If someone opens a Taco Bell restaurant, which is a part of everything, the police will be there to remind the owner that everything - including fast food restaurants - has been banned."

Councilmember Karyl Matsumoto agreed. "It's just become too time consuming to ban one thing at a time. First we ban Happy Meal toys, and then we ban circumcision - it all becomes so tiring." Ms. Matsumoto sighs. "You know, we can save the taxpayers a lot of time by banning everything all at once. Then we can get back to doing the people's business."

Ms. Matsumoto won't go unaffected by the all encompassing ban. With everything banned she has found out that odd spellings of traditional names are banned. "That's true, I'm a little upset but I feel that spelling my name 'Carol' is a small price to pay for the good of San Franciscans. I can live with it."

Homosexuals in San Francisco are relieved to have found a loophole. Since banning everything includes a ban on anti-homosexual sentiment and a ban on homosexual behavior, the city claims the ban on everything cancels out the ban on homosexuality. "Logically, you can't ban both - they offset each other. So homosexuality is not a part of everything," said Mr. Mullin.

Other things included in the ban on everything are candy, children, belches, pencil lead, tires, plastic, insulation, eye shadow, heat, pets, clothing stores, joking around, shaving, carnival rides and greeting cards. Problems likely to be prevented, according to the City Council, are death, injury, disease, unhappiness and divorce.

Story inspired by THIS ARTICLE